I would like to report a shiester

He walked into my office unannounced last Wednesday morning. I was deep in thought, trying to decide whether to write a compliance letter, enforcement notice, or read the newspaper. I swiveled in my chair to face him.

"I would like to report a shiester," he said as he sat down in one of two new chairs.  I smiled.

"How do you know this person is a shiester?" I asked.  The man sitting before me was Italian, with graying, ringlet hair, olive-skinned face, and a classic fireplug physique. I estimated his age at about 70 years old.  He was not Jewish.

"First of all, he was handing out his business card at McDonald's and normal people don't do that,"  he declared, slightly puffing out of his chest, "I never should have taken his card!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch your name, " I said as I opened my notebook to a fresh, clean page.

He extended his hand and we shook hands firmly- a solid handshake.  "My name is Tony Carmino."  

"I'm Rick Fisher, very nice to meet you."  We smiled at each other for a brief moment, then returned to the topic of conversation, the shiester.

"What kind of man doesn't have an address on his business cards or invoices?  A shiester, that's who!"  Mr. Carmino's blood pressure immediately jumped up to unknown heights.   

"Why don't you tell me what happened and we will go forward from there," I replied.

"I felt sorry for this guy. Maybe he needs the money, I don't know.  I'm such a sucker!   So I hire him to service my furnace.  He shows up a few days later. He doesn't have any tools!  He is borrowing my hammer! He is borrowing my screwdriver!  Then he has to clean the chimney and he asks me, 'You got anything I can clean this chimney with?' and I find an old curtain rod. Now he's scraping my chimney with a curtain rod! What kind of man cleans a chimney with a curtain rod?"

"A shiester?" I try to hide my smile.  Who gave the shiester a curtain rod to clean his own chimney? A sucker.  I am guessing this contractor was very inexpensive.  

"Now take a look at this!"  Mr. Carmino hands me an invoice. At the very top is the company name: Joe Forenzi Plumbing & Heating.  The invoice is for $240.00. Attached is an estimate for $460.00 for additional work.  No curtain rod discount! Also not Jewish!

"Did you have this other work done too?" I ask, hoping that the answer is no.

"What was I supposed to do, Mr. Fisher?  He told me my furnace was very dangerous and I didn't want my house to blow up, so yes, I hired him  again.  And Again he shows up with no tools.  He borrows my tools again, he finds more things wrong with my furnace and then he gives me THIS!"   The new estimate is for $2200.00.  The furnace, she gonna blow Captain. She can't take much more.

"Hmm, these are pretty serious problems , Mr. Carmino.  Is your furnace in this poor a  condition?"  I am now curious about the furnace. It needs everything from a new boiler to  a chimney sleeve.  This is a very detailed, very knowledgeable list. Whoever wrote it understood exactly how a furnace works.  Yet, the man who wrote it is a shiester with no tools. "Did you get a second opinion?" I ask.

"Why should I? My furnace is fine. He broke my flue.  He cleaned my chimney with my curtain rod.  So I pay the 220.  I pay a hundred on the 440.  Then I tell him  I'm not paying  no more. Now this shiester,  he is calling me demanding more money and writing letters and threatening me with a collection agency.  Mr. Fisher, what kind of man doesn't put his address on his invoices?" Mr. Carmino face was contorted, very red.  I am saying a small prayer. Dear God, do not take this man while he is sitting in my office.  Please Lord, don't let the shiester kill him.

"Let me check with our clerk and see if he has a contractor's permit, " I say with a smile. I pat his shoulder as I walk past.  I want to convey to him that I share his disbelief.  I just may be disbelieving something different.  I check with the clerk and there is no record of a contractor's permit on file.   

"I think I will give this man a call.  There is not much I can do to help you concerning the money he claims you owe him.  You could make a complaint with the Attorney General's office and the Better Business Bureau," I tell Mr. Carmino.  I am now on top of the situation.  I am in the zone.  

"Mr. Fisher, anything you can do would be wonderful.  This man is a shiester and everyone should know about him,"  Mr. Carmino replied.  Now some real progress was being made.

"OK Sir, I need your full name and address," I said as I took pen in hand.

"Tony Carmino, 9924  GreenKnight Boulevard,"  He said with a contented smile.

"Greenknight Boulevard? " I replied, slightly aghast.  "Isn't that in GreenKnight Borough?"

"Yes, I live in GreenKnight Borough." He replied matter-of-fact

"But Mr. Carmino, this is Slateville.  I don't have any jurisdiction in Greenknight.  They have their own zoning officer!"  I lean back in my chair, shaking my head.  "Why are you making this complaint in Slateville?" 

"Because I talked to the officer in GreenKnight and he told me he couldn't help me.  He suggested I talk to you,"  said Mr. Carmino, " and I want everyone to know about this shiester so they don't make the same mistake I did."

I made copies of the shiester's invoices, and used a push-pin to stick them on the office wall, right where everyone could see them. This pleased Mr. Carmino very much. I printed out complaint information from the Attorney General's website and gave it to Mr. Carmino. I cheerfully escorted Mr. Carmino out of my office,  wishing him luck and success with his shiester problem. 

Then I returned to my office, removed the Mr. Forenzi's invoices from my wall, and tossed them in the trash can.  

No shiester is going to use my push-pin to attach his invoices to my wall!